I’ve recently discovered that Mac users actually control the universe and that the Mac serves as some kind of pandimensional hub controlling the minds and wills of mankind. For almost a year now, I’ve sat here typing away my bile week after week, assaulting all things peecee, and I’ve received virtually nothing but praise for it. I kept expecting the dark forces of Gates to gurgle up from the shadows and feast on my soul, but it never happened.

But one of my colleagues here decided to follow suit (albeit in reverse), taking a quick, comparatively innocent slam against Mac users. After all, he likes the peecee, for whatever reason, so why not express it? But all of a sudden all the Mac users came out of the works to assail his ephemeral comment and leave him sobbing like a school girl who just soiled her knickers. (I leave his name out here because, as you can imagine, a man who cries like a girl just because of some hate mail would not take this chronicle of events too well.)
So, in short, there is some justice in the universe, at least for Mac users.

I’ve also been noticing another odd Mac/peecee phenomenon of late manifesting itself in the form of peecee users not only switching to Mac but becoming virtual instant fanatics. Not quite psychofanatics as they should be, but at least highly enthusiastic. Even in our own office, one die-hard peecee user bought himself a G4 and now swears by it. Others have expressed interest in switching. And even Paulo de Andrade, producer of Digital Post Production and Film & Video Magazine, switched sides and bought himself one of the new G4s. You might remember Paulo as the Brazilian peecee-user who accompanied me to Macworld. Seems the Lord Jobs worked his keynote magic properly and forced this Amiga-turned-SGI-turned-Windows fallen one to convert to the True Faith at last. And now he’s even a crazy Mac nut, having called me up at home the other night just to tell me though his charming Portuguese accent how much better Photoshop is on the Mac than on a peecee! Praise Jobs!

But you ask, «Is everything really going that well for the Mac platform, Dave?»

I tell you I think the universe is coming together nicely, and it’s all revolving around the Mac. I’m almost starting to believe that the universe is so Mac-centered now that I might even be able to convince my evil, peecee-using boss to buy me one of those sleek new Titanium PowerBooks. However, I will no longer be posting his e-mail address here for you to petition him for me because too many of you are comedians and have tried to get him to buy me a peecee notebook. Shame on you!

«Sorry about that, Dave,» you say.

And so, with everything falling into place, I bid you adieu, as my work here is done.

«Wait, Dave,» you say. «You mean you’re leaving?»

Of course not, reader. Where did you get that idea?

«You said ‘adieu.’ That’s French for ‘goodbye.'»

It is? Oh, jeez, no! I still have house payments to make! I meant «adios.»

«That’s Spanish for ‘goodbye.'»

Crap. Well, what’s a good foreign expression to use to end a column?

«Voce é um panaca, Dave.»

What does that mean, dear reader?

«It means, ‘You are a dork, Dave.'»

Oh yeah? In what language?


Wait a minute. Is that you, Paulo?